Tulip Media

Entrepreneurial thoughts

How to lose your job?

Do you have a job and want to experience the intense joys of unemployment? Nothing could be more normal... As I'm still really nice, I'll try to give you some ideas which will undoubtedly lead you to the Pole Emploi agency closest to you. Of course, I do not pretend to make an exhaustive list as there are so many ways to lose a job…

Lying is your best weapon!

As curious as it may seem, there are people who do not like the truth being transfigured and who become a little touchy when they discover the pot-aux-roses. It turns out that HR managers and recruiters in general are part of this category of people who cannot stand lies... Supposedly, to work with a person you have to be able to trust them completely. As a result, many human resources specialists believe that falsifying your CV is an unforgivable mistake! I don’t see why… By lying on your CV you can become the boss of Yahoo! Well, okay, bad example, he was fired when the press revealed his hoax... But Scott Thomson still managed to get himself appointed general manager of one of the main American Internet groups, that's not nothing ! Especially since he hadn't deliberately inflated his CV... How could he know that the diploma he was giving himself didn't exist when he studied? In any case, lying on one's CV seems to be a national sport within the group since an administrator was also caught red-handed just a few days after Scott Thomson...

In any case, according to certain studies, 30% CVs are falsified, at least a little. Why should you have any qualms about doing this? That being said, I digress a little from the subject because if you are already in position and you have not had the presence of mind to disguise your CV, it is too late to do so... However, seeing the reactions caused by a simple inaccuracy regarding diplomas or experience, we are entitled to think that lying is really your main weapon to get you fired! The most frequent and not the least effective imposture consists of inventing an illness to not go to work while showing the whole Earth that we are in great shape.

So, for example, you can tell your boss that a terrible migraine is preventing you from coming to the office and take advantage of the good weather to relax in a busy place. If you manage to get interviewed by a journalist from a national channel, that's even better! Guaranteed result... At best, you will be fired immediately, at worst your boss will no longer have any confidence in you and will undoubtedly end up firing you sooner or later! This is the most common lie in business, but you can probably innovate…

 

The other solutions…

You are a fervent defender of justice and truth, or you don't feel like a Pinocchio soul, don't panic, there are other solutions that are just as effective! Theft is undoubtedly one of the best... Although morality condemns it (and me too by the fact), it must be admitted that if you commit a sufficiently conspicuous theft, there is a good chance that the next office in front of which you will sit will be that of your Pôle Emploi advisor. It will perhaps be that of a judge in the first place, which is why I do not recommend this solution…

It would indeed be a shame to go directly from a job in which you feel confined to a penal establishment in which you actually will be! Instead, prefer solutions that are not directly reprehensible... I am obviously not talking about harassment! I know well that thanks to a court decision, you thought you could whistle at the petticoats who pass in front of your office without being bothered by the courts, but it turns out that the pink hordes who govern us and who enforce their laxity crime in our moribund country, have passed a new law punishing this type of behavior.

That being said, making advances towards your boss or his secretary (each to his own tastes…) may not land you in prison, but it is almost certain that it will cause you to lose your job. Finally, if you absolutely want to risk your job, but not your freedom, you can always be unemployed! Only go to work when it suits you and don't rush to do what you are paid to do and you can be sure that sooner or later your boss will reward you by finally letting you taste the immeasurable joys of unemployment!

In conclusion, we can simply remember that losing your job is infinitely easier than finding one, which is why once again it was impossible to be exhaustive, unless you wanted to make a “Prévert-style list”!

 

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